dan's trip to INDIA

last post until i get back to dallas

2004-08-06T06:35:00.000-07:00

being in india has really made me think about the alarming problems in the world today, particularly overpopulation. her are some stats that i found:

The U.S. Census Bureau reported that hunger is a daily concern for 13.8% of Americans

There will be 125 million births in the world this year. By the time this group is ready to start school, there will have been another 625 million births.

Every 20 minutes, the human population grows by about 3,000. At the same time another plant or animal becomes extinct (27,000 each year).

According to the U.N., if fertility were to stay constant at 1995-2000 levels, the world population would soar to 244 billion by 2150 and 134 trillion by 2300.

The population of the U.S. tripled during the 20th century, but the U.S. consumption of raw materials increased 17-fold.

US Census Bureau, UN Population Div, conservation.org April , 2004 Population Connection

i don't know about you, but i consider that to be pretty scary stuff. i have this theory, it might be naive or misinformed, but it's a theory i have nonetheless. it's that education is the cure-all elixir for all problems. ignorance causes suffering. awareness relieves suffering. here's a quote from a blog i like:

"It is a fact that wherever women are educated in the world, the birthrate drops dramatically. This has been proven again and again in many different countries. Italy has a high literacy rate and a corresponding birth rate of 1.2. The birth rate in Bangladesh was reduced once women were allowed to receive an education. The same is true for many other countries. You can find more info about that on the net. In fact one researcher for the UN declared that the danger of over-population had a very simple solution: allow women to receive an education on the whole planet! Bingo! That's all we need to do."

18 years closer to death!

2004-08-02T02:35:00.000-07:00

today is my 18th birthday. i guess that means i have to register for the draft when i get home. well, at least i can celebrate by legally buying porn and cigs, and gambling.

finally, an update

2004-07-31T00:59:00.000-07:00

sorry i haven't updated this blog in over a week. it's mostly because of laziness, but also partially because i was sick for a little while, a stomach infection of some sort. i had a very high fever and other not fun symptoms. but i'm much better now.

not again

2004-07-22T04:07:00.000-07:00

ok, i know you're probably getting tired of hearing about my political opinions, but this is just too good. i highly suggest you check this out. if you consider yourself conservative, then i think you will like this.

"it is not that i am a liberal who hates conservatives. i truly, sincerely, in my heart of hearts believe BOTH parties, in their HEALTHY forms, play indespinsible roles and bring much to the table. as with any apparent "opposites", they're actually complementary, but again, the critical qualifier is "HEALTHY" form. what we have, in general, (and it goes without saying that everything you read in this blog is my opinion) are two PATHOLOGICAL forms of left and right, and yes, to be honest, the right is currently without a doubt the more dangerously, insidiously ill."

sorry, more politics

2004-07-21T07:03:00.000-07:00

i don't mean to get overly political with this blog, but i resonate with this too much not to share it.
here's an excerpt from the above link:

"government" is woven into this phenomenon seemlessly, and i DO mean left and right here (lest we forget that Clinton de-regulated radio, and gave us the fucking shit circus of companies like Clear Channel buying up 5,000 radio stations and programming our culture right into FLAT land, assuring that no real variance, innovation, or imagination could occur anywhere- a company that went so far as to BAN John Lennon's song "Imagine"- a move that sums up their regard for humanity quite succinctly). now all the radio stations, t.v. stations, newspapers, and magazines are a homogenous fucking WEATHER FRONT designed to TELL you what you think, and a great portion of this ingenious programming occurs through the Lie Of Omission. keeping us in a trance means exluding all the agents and properties that would spark an awakening in us.

i also think this is a good time to share my favorite website: http://www.integralnaked.org

2004-07-20T10:18:00.000-07:00

2004-07-19T02:42:00.000-07:00

2004-07-18T06:11:00.000-07:00

today i went to a recording studio to watch my tabla teacher record some indian folk music. during their break, i got to play a little.

(above)that's my tabla teacher on my right. (below)the producer and me in the mixing room.

political views

2004-07-14T02:14:00.000-07:00

if you're interested in learning more about my political views, then check this out. i find it hillarious and petrifying just how backwards things really are in America.

2004-07-13T04:42:00.000-07:00

2004-07-11T06:57:00.000-07:00

(just as a disclaimer, i make a lot of broad generalizations here. i know it's more complicated than this, but just in general, this is the way i see things.)
there's one thing that i've noticed since i got here that has really made a profound impact on the way i view the world. it's very subtle, and it took me a while to recognize it. but if i could learn only one thing from this trip, then i would pick this. i'm not exactly sure how to describe it. it's basically a general difference in the level of happiness of people in India versus people in America. people here have asked me what i think about India, to which i reply "uhh.. it's ..different," to which they reply with laughter followed by something to the effect of "yes, it's chaotic, but somehow it works." it is certainly chaotic, and yet, somehow, it does seem to work. i've thought about this a lot, and i think i've come up with a satisfying explanation. in America, we try to find peace and security through our surroundings. we have nice, pest-free homes in clean, safe neighborhoods, at a significant distance from anything that might cause us discomfort. we produce pounds of trash everyday which we put in a nice neat plastic bag for the trashman to take away so we never have to look at or think about it again. there's a lot of space in America, so we use that space to create physical distance between ourselves and the things we don't like. here in India, there's not much space. there's no magical trashman to make our trash disappear. when it's 3:00am and the neighbors are lasting loud music, we can't just call the cops to make them stop "disturbing the peace." basically, in India, you just have to live with the things that can cause discomfort. so, since you can't really find peace and security on the outside, you have to find it on the inside. this is why i think people here (in general) seem to be happier than people in America. people here laugh more willingly and with more abandon. their smiles are more sincere. of course, not everyone is like this. i'm just judging by the people that i've met. in America, our laughter and smiles are tinged with fear, fear of being vulnerable, fear of getting too close for comfort (to use a cliche), fear of change. but i don't mean to engage in Michael Moore style America bashing. America is my home and i am very grateful for that. this is just constructive criticism for the people i love. speaking of Michael Moore, has anyone seen his new documentary? i've heard different opinions from different people, and i'd love to hear more. i haven't seen it yet, but that's one of the things i plan to do when i get back.

2004-07-10T11:03:00.000-07:00

for some reason, blogger won't let me read the comments on this blog. so if i don't respond, then that's why. i still love getting comments though. so feel free to email me integraldan@yahoo.com

2004-07-10T10:59:00.000-07:00

sorry i haven't updated in a while. i don't really have anything to say though. i've been thinking about posting a rant about what i think is wrong with America, but i don't really have the energy to type that up now.

2004-07-04T02:45:00.000-07:00

images

2004-07-03T08:49:00.000-07:00

i hate cliches. the only thing i like about them is that they are usually true and profound. but they've been beaten to death to the point where that truth has been glossed over so we don't actually have to pay attention to it. cliches sugar-coat truth so that you can't really taste the truth in it, but it's much easier to swallow. cliches allow us to keep our distance from truth instead of getting closer to it. they also allow people to sound like they know what they're talking about when they really don't. the only time i feel that it's worth using a cliche is in a context where we understand the dynamcics of the cliche, such as now, after i've explained why i don't like them. so, with that being said, the cliche i would like use is this: "a picture is worth a thousand words." it makes me cringe to write that, but the truth is there, beneath the words.

taj mahal

2004-07-01T19:35:00.000-07:00

2004-06-30T00:32:00.000-07:00

i'm going to see the taj mahal today. so no more updates for the next few days.

CDs

2004-06-29T02:34:00.000-07:00

before i left, i was considering not bringing any of my cd's because i wanted to completely immerse myself in Indian music. but i decided against it and i brought a good number of cd's. i'm very glad that i did, too. one thing i regret, though, is not bringing more jazz cd's. i don't know why, but i've just been craving jazz for some reason. the cd's that get the most listening to are Tool, Radiohead, Opeth, George Harrison, Beck, Steve Reich, Fugazi, and Ben Folds Five. i've also been listening to songs from Ani Difranco's website, which i really like a lot (go ahead and laugh. i like feminist folk music, so what? i still listen to Slayer).

i definitely wouldn't be able to find any of these cd's here. well, maybe George Harrison, but none of the other stuff. popular music here is stuff like Backstreet Boys and Shakira. i got some classical Indian music cd's the other day that i really like. suprisingly i had already heard of some of the more famous classical musicians (Ravi Shankar, Zakir Hussain, etc).

it's interesting to listen to my cd's in this new context. being in a new country strips the music of its cultural (or sub-cultural) functions. the community and image built around certain bands or genres is not available to me here, so all i have is the music itself. this has its advantages as well as disadvantages. one advantage is it helps me discern what music i really like, instead of pretending to like the same music my friends listen to it. but then i have no community to share the music with. but i don't really mind that. music has always been more of a personal thing for me instead of social.

not-knowing

2004-06-25T12:28:00.000-07:00

i've finished two novels since i got here, Demian by Herman Hesse and Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut, both very good novels. both offer different ways to look at time and space and why things happen the way they do. i've been thinking a lot about fate and destiny lately. why am i here? what is the purpose of this moment? of course, i'll never find an answer, but i still feel like i should try to. one thing i find amusing about life (or my life at least) is that the most important or life-altering or profound things seem to happen when i really don't know what i'm doing. it's like when i let go of my own security and put myself in a state of vulnerable open-mindedness then things get clearer and begin to make more sense, even though all evidence seems to lead me to assume otherwise. i've created a few pieces of art since i got here. each piece arose out of that space of not-knowing. i just put the pencil to the paper and watched as a picture began to form in front of my eyes. here's one of the drawings i've made and a short story i wrote while here.

"last stop"

Sometimes, when i'm really depressed, i sit in front of my mirror and stay really still. i look myself in the eye and don't move a muscle, sometimes for more than an hour. i sit like this until it feels like i'm looking at another person. then i just watch and wonder what this new person is thinking. i look at this person just like you would look at a stranger at a bus stop or something, except for the unwavering eye-contact part.
once, while i was doing this, i blinked. blinking isn't really much of an event, i know, but this blink was different because i watched it happen. and if i was really blinking then i wouldn't have been able to see it because my eyes would've been closed at the moment the blink occured. but i saw it. and what's even weirder is, at the moment it happened, i didn't think anything of it because i thought i was looking at someone else that was not me, just like if the stranger at the bus stop had blinked. it took me a while to realize that what had happened shouldn't have, according to the laws of physics. but i figure i was just hallucinating or something.

the other day i was sitting at a bus stop waiting for the bus.

when i was a kid, i always hated waiting for the schoolbus. school was well within walking distance, but my mother always insisted that i take the bus. she thought the bus was the safest way to get to school. she feared that i would get kidnapped or something if i walked. she always had a strong distrust for strangers. i suspect she had some traumatizing experience with a stranger when she was young. she never mentioned anything specific that made me think that. it's just the way she said the word "stranger." a kind of fear and disgust penetrated her voice when she said that word.

anyway, i was sitting at a bus stop and this man walks up. his clothes looked like they hadn't left his back in days, and he looked like he had been awake that entire time. he was wearing a wrinkled yellow button-up shirt and wrinkled grey pants. his eyes were bloodshot, like he'd been crying or something. with exausting steps, he walked up to the bus stop, a few feet from me, but he didn't sit down. he didn't even lean up against anything. he just planted his feet in the cement, locked his knees and stood. his arms dangled like he had forgotten they were there, and his head was down. his back was to me, so i couldn't see if his eyes were open or closed, but i imagine they must have been closed, judging by how exhausted he looked.

last night i had this dream, it's the same dream i had the night i found out that my father died. i'm on a bus, writing something down on a map. i don't remember what i was writing, i just remember that it was some sort of note to remind myself of something later. the bus was going really fast, like 100 miles per hour, in the middle of a giant, flat desert, just flatness as far as the eye could see. i look up from my map and realize that i'm the only one on the bus beside the driver. and the driver is me, too. but this didn't freak me out or anything; you know how weird stuff like that makes sense when you're dreaming. then it starts to get dark, but i don't turn on the headlights. i just keep on driving until everything is just darkness. there's no more bus, no more me, just darkness. and then i wake up, realize it was all a dream, and go to my kitchen to find my father sitting at the table, reading the newspaper and sipping his coffee. he looks up at me, as if he was expecting me to say something. he lets the silence linger for a moment. a smile creeps into his mouth, the kind of smile fathers get when they get to watch their children learn something new. and then he says, with that fatherly confidence, "last stop." then i wake up again.

the guy stood there for a few minutes, propped up like a scarecrow by his own two legs. then he looked up and let out a strange kind of moan as he shifted his weight to one leg and stepped out into the road. i figured he was tired of waiting for the bus so he was just going to cross the road. but he stopped in the middle lane, turned to face the traffic, and locked his knees again. i didn't know what to do. a few cars honked and swerved out of his way, and he just kept standing there, eyes closed. then there was a period of stillness, no cars in sight. "hey!" i yelled. no response. then a shiny red corvette came into sight. it was going at least 60 miles per hour, and showed no sign of slowing down. i jumped to my feet. "hey!" i yelled again. out of the corner of my eye, i saw the driver. he was, i guess, looking for something in the glove compartment or messing with the radio. either way, he was unaware of the man standing in his lane. sunglasses covered his eyes, the really expensive kind that are supposed to make you look intimidating. "hey!" i knew he wasn't going to respond, but i yelled anyway, i didn't know what else to do. the car was about three seconds from him.

the man's unchanging posture told me his story. i recognized the stance like a secret handshake or something. he was a man who had been driven over the edge and just couldn't take it anymore. maybe he lost his job and his wife left him. or maybe he just hated his life in general. but none of that mattered, not now anyway. those details were in the past. now he was tired and wanted peace. and the funny part was he didn't have to put forth any effort to find that peace. all he had to do was stop and allow himself to be shattered and the game would be over. i watched with frustrating sympathy as the man waited for his release.

then suddenly my awareness became completely removed from my body. my mind stopped thinking and i calmly witnessed as i ran into the street and pushed the man out of the way of the vehicle that glided so ignorantly over the rough concrete. he fell to the ground like a rag-doll, not struggling at all, completely accepting.

my father used to always tell me, "whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." i never really gave it that much thought. i guess it's true, or it at least makes sense. but what about what does kill you? does that make you weaker? or do we just not know the effects of death on our strength since no one can speak from experience? maybe we just stay the same. i wish i would've asked my father that before he died. i know he wouldn't have had an answer, but it'd just be something for him to keep in mind for when he reached that point. then maybe he could come back somehow and give me the scoop. i can hear him now, "guess i was wrong. turns out everything makes you stronger."

NAMASTE

2004-06-24T03:14:00.000-07:00

NAMASTE - (Na-ma-stay) A Sanskrit word used as a salutation or blessing. Can be translated as "the divine in me honors and blesses the divine in you, in truth, we are one, the I AM". In Sanskrit "Namas" means, "bow, obeisance, reverential salutation." It comes from the root Nam, which carries meanings of bending, bowing, humbly submitting and becoming silent. "Te" means "to you." Thus "namaste" means "I bow to you." the act of greeting is called "Namaskaram," "Namaskara" and "Namaskar" in the varied languages of the subcontinent.

new friends

2004-06-23T09:47:00.000-07:00

2004-06-22T05:41:00.000-07:00

2004-06-20T07:27:00.000-07:00

Death

2004-06-18T06:46:00.000-07:00

one thing that struck me that i didn't expect was the general attitude about death here. the other day, we were driving around, and Mr. Jonothan pointed out the final resting place for the Christians, followed by laughter from the others in the car. and it wasn't a nervous, uneasy laughter that's so common in America. it was sincere, like the laughter that follows a good joke. the field didn't look like a graveyard at all. kids were even playing soccer on it, just like any other field. perhaps this comfort with death is influenced by the dense population, or maybe the highly developed spiritual traditions of India. i don't know why we Americans are so afraid of death, why we so persistently avoid the topic in everyday conversation. i think that this points to the fact that American culture is saturated with fear. you can see it in advertising, our good old-time religion, and in the way we treat the elderly. our culture relies on the idea that ignorance is bliss (which couldn't be further from the truth in my opinion). we subconsciously seek ignorance as if it was a commodity that we could buy at a store. anyway, i hope i haven't offended anyone. if i have, then maybe that proves my point. but i don't mean to take any kind of political statement. i'm just speaking my mind.

mindful digestion

2004-06-18T06:38:00.000-07:00

food

2004-06-16T22:57:00.000-07:00

language

2004-06-16T08:20:00.000-07:00

sometimes, when i'm really bored, i repeat a word (in english) over and over until it loses its meaning and i can hear it for the sound that it is, devoid of any associations with any particular image or concept. but in a different language, i don't have to repeat the words at all. it's already just a sound to me. i'm supposed to start sitar lessons soon, but the teacher doesn't really speak english. so we'll see how it goes. as much as i hate cliches, music is a universal language. so i'm not too worried. here's a quote from the movie "Waking Life" (highly recommended by the way):

"Creation seems to come out of imperfection. It seems to come out of a striving and a frustration, and this is where I think language came from. It came from our desire to transcend our isolation and have some sort of connection with one another. And it had to be easy when it was just simple survival. Like the word water, we came up with a sound for that, or saber tooth tiger right behind you, we came up with a sound for that. But when it gets really interesting is when we use that same system of symbols to communicate all the abstract and intangible things that we're experiencing. What is frustration? Or what is anger? Or love? When I say love, the sound comes out of my mouth and it hits the other person's ear, travels through this byzantine conduit in their brain, through their memories of love, or lack of love, and they register what I'm saying and they say yes, they understand. But how do I know they understand, because words are inert, they're just symbols, they're dead, you know? And so much of our experience is intangible. So much of what we perceive cannot be expressed. It's unspeakable. And yet, you know when we communicate with one another, and we feel that we've connected, and we think that we're understood, I think we have a feeling of almost spiritual communion. And that feeling might be transient, but I think it's what we live for."

traffic

2004-06-15T00:22:00.000-07:00

i think the one thing that's giving me the largest jolt of culture shock is the traffic. cars, motorcycles, mopeds, bicycles, pedestrians, cows, dogs, all share a single road. it reminds me of the hallways during passing periods at school, except faster and more dangerous. there's no real rules. everyone is just trying to get to where they're going. and the horns! in America it's considered an insult to honk your horn at someone. here, it's a necessity if you don't want to get run over. at first i thought that everyone was just really angry. then i realized that they were actually being courteous.

2004-06-12T22:56:00.001-07:00

email me

2004-06-12T22:56:00.000-07:00

i love getting emails, so feel free to write integraldan@yahoo.com

2004-06-12T22:36:00.000-07:00

me looking stupid somewhere over Europe

well, i'm finally here. long, long, uncomfortable trip. it makes me wish i wasn't so tall. anyway, i'm here now, and i can rest. writer's block. maybe i'm just too exhausted from the trip to write anything. what am i doing here? people were asking me that months before i left, and i never had a good answer. i still don't. i guess i'm just here to learn. i don't think i really need a clear objective with an experience like this, except to stay open minded to whatever arises.

2004-06-10T02:40:00.000-07:00

first post

2004-05-26T19:28:00.000-07:00

hi everyone. i'll be keeping an online journal while i'm in India starting june 10. hopefully i'll be able to upload pictures too. you can email me at integraldan@yahoo.com